{"id":16,"date":"2019-06-24T07:37:02","date_gmt":"2019-06-24T14:37:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/painvalley.com\/?p=16"},"modified":"2020-03-04T20:08:03","modified_gmt":"2020-03-05T03:08:03","slug":"helpful-things-to-say-to-someone-in-chronic-pain","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/?p=16","title":{"rendered":"Helpful Things TO Say to Someone in Chronic Pain"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Friendship\"<\/a> <\/small><\/p>\n

Supporting someone in chronic pain can be difficult.\u00a0 There is nothing that can be done to ease someone\u2019s pain and sometimes, it leaves friends and family at a loss for words. There are no magic words or actions, but there are suggestions for things to say that could possibly help your loved one feel better. <\/span> I would also like to add, that there have been comments from the previous post, “What NOT to say to Someone in Chronic Pain” that what I wrote comes off as “standoffish,” or as if I am saying that it is pointless to try and help someone that is in pain. \u00a0I would like to clarify that I am not saying that at all. \u00a0The fact is, however, for those of us LIVING with chronic pain, sometimes hearing the same things, over and over, can be frustrating, especially when we really are trying SO hard to do the things people are telling us, like pray, fight harder, workout, etc.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

But, please, if you know someone in pain, don’t stop trying to help. \u00a0Just…Listen. Be there, be a friend. \u00a0Anyone that supports someone in chronic pain, even if you occasionally say the wrong thing, is still helping that person and they appreciate it. Here is a list I have compiled from personal experience and research of helpful things to say to someone in chronic pain:<\/p>\n

1-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou look well today\/good, but how are you feeling?<\/i>\u201d <\/b>\u00a0Many times people with <\/b>chronic pain feel like people see how they look on the outside, not how they feel on the inside.\u00a0 This statement is helpful because you are stating something positive about the person, but asking how they are feeling despite <\/i>looking good. \u00a0Additionally, asking “how are you holding up?” is a similar and helpful comment that lets the person in pain know that you acknowledge<\/em>\u00a0they are in pain and you wish to know how they are handling it.<\/p>\n

2-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI am going to be going to the store. Can I get you something?\u201d <\/b>After my second surgery my best friend would often call on weekends and tell me she was at the store and did I need anything.\u00a0 The way she asked didn\u2019t hit my pride, because I felt like she was already there and I wouldn\u2019t bother her if I said, \u201csure, can you get me bread?\u201d<\/p>\n

3-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t imagine how hard this is for you, but you seem to be handling it well and I think you are so strong.\u201d <\/b>I often feel weakened by pain, but statements like these make me feel stronger and supported.<\/p>\n

4-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/b>\u201cYou are in my thoughts and prayers\u201d <\/b>As opposed to telling someone to \u2018pray\u2019 or \u2018have faith,\u2019 this statement expresses a good intention and lets us know you care.<\/b><\/p>\n

5-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/b>Mirror back what is being said.\u00a0 If the person says \u201cmy back is really hurting me\u201d Tell them, \u201cYour back hurts, that must be difficult for you.\u201d\u00a0 <\/b>By mirroring their statement, the person feels their pain was heard, even though there is nothing you can really say or do to help, they know you listened\/heard their pain.<\/b><\/p>\n

6-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/b>\u201cThis must be so difficult for you, I can\u2019t imagine.\u201d<\/b>\u00a0 There are no magic words, and unless you are living with chronic pain, it\u2019s difficult to understand what we are going through.\u00a0 Comments like this show support without pretending you know how we feel.<\/b><\/p>\n

7-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/b>\u201cI wish I had something to say that would help\/take away the pain, but I don\u2019t.\u00a0 But I am here to listen.\u201d\u00a0 <\/b>Sometimes, the best thing to say is nothing at all.\u00a0 Sometimes it is best to just listen, without judgment, and just be there for someone.\u00a0 Admitting you are at a loss and offering an ear is one of the most helpful things a loved one can do.<\/b><\/p>\n

8-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/b>\u201cPlease don\u2019t feel bad if you have to cancel, I understand and I hope I can see you when you feel well.\u201d <\/b>This statement expresses concern without making the person feel bad about their limitations.<\/b><\/p>\n

9-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/b>\u201cI hope that you feel as well as possible.\u201d<\/b>\u00a0 Since we are talking about chronic<\/i> pain, \u2018feel better\u2019 can be frustrating because many people don\u2019t have \u2018better\u2019 days.\u00a0 This statement is more genuine, in a way.<\/b><\/p>\n

10- <\/b>\u201cI heard about _______(fill in miracle cure of the say<\/i>).\u00a0 I know every case is different, but would you like to hear about it?\u201d<\/b>\u00a0 We have a lot of advice thrown at us by well-meaning people, but much of it is unwanted because it can make us feel as though others think we are not trying to help ourselves.\u00a0 We also do a lot of research and see a lot of doctors, so we have probably heard it already.\u00a0 By asking if the person would be interested in receiving advice shows respect for our situation and gives us the option to say \u2018not right now\u2019 or \u2018sure.\u201d<\/p>\n

11- “What helps when you are having a bad day?”<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0Sometimes just admitting that you don’t know what to say is the best thing to say. \u00a0Some people want a sounding board, some want a shoulder to cry on or an ear to yell into. \u00a0Some just want to be left alone. \u00a0Ask. \u00a0It can’t hurt.<\/p>\n

Actions speak louder than words so, remember, it can be very helpful to DO something nice for that person, like bring a meal, offer to do a load of laundry or make the bed.\u00a0 Help.\u00a0 But don\u2019t make a big deal out of it.\u00a0 Many times people who need help have a sense of pride and don\u2019t like to feel they are being a burden, so by doing something and making it seem as if it\u2019s \u201cno big deal,\u201d you are helping them without making them feel guilty.<\/p>\n

Something I encounter often is that friends omit telling me things that have happened with their own health.\u00a0 They say, \u201cit was no big deal, it\u2019s nothing compared to what you are going through.\u201d\u00a0 If you are supporting someone with chronic pain and you care about them, chances are they care about you and your health problems, so share what\u2019s going on with your health as well.\u00a0 It will help the person in pain feel the friendship has not become one-sided.\u00a0 Just because we are in pain doesn\u2019t mean we forgot how to listen and care and, if your health issues involve pain, we can certainly sympathize better than anyone.<\/p>\n

And, please don\u2019t turn your back on those of us living with chronic pain just because you feel like you can\u2019t help us.\u00a0 This lifestyle carries with it so much isolation, depression and loneliness.\u00a0 We count on our support system to help us.\u00a0 We know we are not always the easiest of people to deal with, but please remember, we did not ask for this and we would love to have our \u201cold lives\u201d back. Remember, sometimes the best thing you can say is the simplest: \u201cI love you.\u201d<\/b><\/p>\n

What can you add to this list?<\/p>\n

Photo courtesy of\u00a0Trina Alexander<\/a>\u00a0via\u00a0Compfight<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Supporting someone in chronic pain can be difficult.\u00a0 There is nothing that can be done to ease someone\u2019s pain and sometimes, it leaves friends and family at a loss for words. There are no magic words or actions, but there are suggestions for things to say that could possibly help your loved one feel better. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[4],"class_list":["post-16","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-chronic-pain","tag-dbtag"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=16"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":117,"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16\/revisions\/117"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=16"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=16"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=16"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}