{"id":18,"date":"2020-01-05T07:37:05","date_gmt":"2020-01-05T14:37:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/painvalley.com\/?p=18"},"modified":"2020-03-04T20:55:13","modified_gmt":"2020-03-05T03:55:13","slug":"what-not-to-say-to-someone-in-chronic-pain","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/?p=18","title":{"rendered":"What NOT to Say to Someone in Chronic Pain"},"content":{"rendered":"

An oldie but a goodie…since this was popular and this week has been very difficult due to dealing with oral surgeries, bereavement, etc., I am reblogging myself…This is the complete list with a lot of the comments added.<\/p>\n

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I will be the first to admit that living in chronic pain can make me a bit\u2026sensitive.\u00a0 I think when you live with pain or a disability, there is a tendency to think that people are judging you or criticizing you.\u00a0 I often feel a sense of inferiority at not being able to do what women my age can do.\u00a0 I also tend to feel there is a stigma attached to being chronically ill and, especially, to taking pain medication.<\/p>\n

Through my discussions with fellow chronic pain sufferers and from my own experience, I have compiled a list of things that I am often told that people think are helpful, but for most of us, they are not.\u00a0 I am cautious in how I state this because I know that most people mean well and really are trying to help.\u00a0 I also know that after a couple of years living with this, many people feel they need to walk on eggshells with me. \u00a0I am sure no one wants their support system to feel that way, so here are some things I personally find less than helpful:<\/span><\/p>\n

1-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou just have to accept that this is God\u2019s plan and have faith.\u201d<\/p>\n

This is one of the most difficult things for me to hear because it transfers my anger to my higher power and that is not healthy for my faith.\u00a0 By telling me that I am living in pain is part of some master plan does not increase my faith, but rather harms it.\u00a0 I know there is a reason for everything and everything happens for a reason, but when repeatedly told to \u201cjust have faith,\u201d I feel angered because what I think many people do not realize is that I do have faith, if I didn\u2019t, I couldn\u2019t live with all the negative things in life and survive.<\/p>\n

2-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou just need to relax.\u201d<\/p>\n

My pain is not the result of being anxious or uptight.\u00a0 I have tried yoga, meditation and weekly massages, but it doesn\u2019t make my pain go away.\u00a0 Loved ones need to recognize that living with chronic pain comes with anxieties.\u00a0 But these anxieties are not the root of my pain, they are the byproduct of it.\u00a0 Reminding me that I need to relax or calm down does not help me relax, it does the opposite.<\/p>\n

3-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou know you have to work at getting better, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

I have been told this by doctors especially, as if I don\u2019t work at getting better.\u00a0 I take every new-fangled medication offered, I do physical therapy and I find outlets for my anxiety.\u00a0 When someone looks at me I worry they are seeing a lazy person who has given up.\u00a0 Telling me I have to work at my recovery just amplifies that.<\/p>\n

4-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThink about what this is doing to your _____(insert stressed-out loved one here).\u201d<\/p>\n

I am well aware, and live with a lot of guilt about the fact that I feel like a burden on my loved ones, I don\u2019t need a reminder.<\/p>\n

5-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou just have to be patient, you will get better.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sometimes when I hear this, I want to scream- it hasn\u2019t gotten any better in two years what makes you think it\u2019s going to reverse if I keep waiting?\u00a0 I know there are new treatments and medications that may help, but most of us with chronic pain have no concrete diagnosis or what we have is not curable.<\/p>\n

6-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cBut you look fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

Thank you, yes, I do.\u00a0 I dress nicely; I do my hair and makeup when I have the energy.\u00a0 I laugh, I joke, I make light of my situation.\u00a0 I walk without much of a noticeable gait issue\u2026but things are not always as they seem.\u00a0 Invisible illness is sometimes more difficult to deal with because you constantly feel like people think you are faking it.<\/p>\n

7-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou have to try\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

I have been offered every medication, supplement, exercise program and weight loss trick in the book.\u00a0 Whereas many people appreciate suggestions on things that can help them deal with chronic pain (I know this is true, because you are reading my advice lol), it does not mean that advice is always warranted or welcomed.<\/p>\n

8-\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou are lucky, it could be worse.\u201d<\/p>\n

It can always be worse, but try to remember that many times, when pain is not being well-controlled, it feels pretty bad.<\/p>\n

Can you add to this list?<\/p>\n

The post of “Helpful Things TO say to Someone in Chronic Pain” is scheduled for Tuesday \u00a0morning, I promised I would get it done!<\/p>\n

Photo courtesy of\u00a0\"Creative<\/a>\u00a0Helga Weber<\/a>\u00a0via\u00a0Compfight<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

An oldie but a goodie…since this was popular and this week has been very difficult due to dealing with oral surgeries, bereavement, etc., I am reblogging myself…This is the complete list with a lot of the comments added. I will be the first to admit that living in chronic pain can make me a bit\u2026sensitive.\u00a0 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[4],"class_list":["post-18","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-pain-care","tag-dbtag"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=18"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":174,"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18\/revisions\/174"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=18"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=18"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/painvalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=18"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}